youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
