Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
vagina is talking i cant
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
