i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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