Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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