Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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