I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
