I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
