I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
