He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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