im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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