So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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