I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
