I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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