i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize