JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
