and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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