Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
