There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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