Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
