I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
FUCK WHALES
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
