life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's shark week go big or go home
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
