easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
