after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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