I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
