I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
