i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
