Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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