also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
