We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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