Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
