my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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