I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
