all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
