I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
