Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
