My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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