yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
