yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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