I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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