You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
