he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
