Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
