apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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