forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
