i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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