I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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