there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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