Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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