Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
