I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
