did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
