my soul wont recognize me after tonight
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
