ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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