I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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