I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
