the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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