Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
They have beer where we have blood.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
