Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize